Friday, August 5th, 2005
im sorry. i wasnt even able to see you for the last time. Even for the last few times, i didnt went to see u. I was rushing homework at night after i played 3 hours of computer game in the afternoon. i thought u will be better, just like the previous few times.. but it did not turn out as i convieniently took it as..
The day went u were admitted to hospital, if i had not gone shopping and be back one hour earlier i could have help and take care of you. But i put you as the second priority.
i haven see you for at least one month. since i got back from australia. I haven share with you wat had happen. Seeing your lifeless body made me realise that i have made so many empty promises to you . i said i would drive you on the lorry. i will one day cook for you. i will play keyboard for u to listen. i will show you my tkd stunts. i made the same promises to ah ma also . i did not fufil anyone.. i must be such a disappointing grand daughter.
You bought me crayon when even my mother didnt buy any for me or noticed that i need it. I at last do not need to colour everything in black and grey using 2B pencil. You gave me money to reward me when i had jus done fairly well for my a levels. But i gave you nothing..
i used to look at you everytime you are sleeping . i was looking at whether if ur breathing or not, fearing that you will die . i was relieve everytime i see u flip over to adjust ur sleeping position or notice you breathing. Before i realise, you are already being carried on the stretcher wrapped with white cloth.when being unwrapped,Your legs are yellowish and pale and i cannot spot a single sign of breathing..when they dressed u in dead ppl’s clothes, your hands and legs are so stiff that they had a hard time putting on ur shirt..when they released your hands, it dropped like a piece of wood without even bending ur elbow. I watched the whole process of you being dressed and carried into the coffin. i walked around the coffin to see you for the last time be4 the coffin is closed . then i was told to walk away without looking back while the coffin is being closed. Then i know that you wouldnt come home anymore. i will never see you sitting and chatting at the coffeeshop or find you at the void deck with a radio tuned to the loudest or see you shout at hong hong to stop watching cartoon and switch to the news at 6.30pm .
i miss you so much . i cannot bear to let u go . im sorry that im such a disappointing unfilial granddaughter.
Rest in peace my dearest ah gong. [departed on tuesday 2 august 12.40am]
